Self consciousness.

Not understanding the science behind this topic, I really am going by my own personal experiences.

I am an incredibly self conscious person.

I know everyone has these moments, where they feel like everyone is staring at them, or judging them or whatever. I get that this is a very common issue. Which is why I’m bringing it up.

Someone said on tumblr that it is a form of social anxiety and, while I don’t know if this is true, for me at least, the symptoms are similar.
My heart beats really rapidly, shortness of breath, not being able to meet eye contact, not being able to talk to people, paranoia that I’ve done or said something wrong… The list goes on.

Sometimes this occurs in the middle of a social event, sometimes it occurs before. There are even times when it happens way after the event took place and you are left unable to stop thinking about it or criticising how you behaved, which renders you unable to sleep, so you stay up writing blog posts at midnight. Sometimes that happens.

It isn’t something I have control over and it certainly isn’t something I enjoy people witnessing. The questions people ask make me feel worse, somehow.
I hate being touched when I feel self conscious, so if I snap at you not to hug me, please don’t.

Usually, I want to curl up and hide, because, well, I don’t want people to look at me, talk to me or even know I’m there.

Now is one of those times. I am alone in my room, in the dark, at midnight, and I feel self conscious about what I did during the day. Which isn’t rational, because chances are, I’m the only one who remembers any of it. Chances are, i affected nobody’s life in such s way that they remembered anything I did today.

That doesn’t necessarily make me feel better…

Shannon.

Astrology and Harry Potter: one thing that could be real and one we desperately wish was real.

I’ve recently been looking into astrology and if there is any truth behind it.
When I say recently, I mean literally 2 minutes before typing this.

It started when I did a Harry Potter quiz, you know, one of the ones that sort you into a House?

I was placed in Slytherin, which doesn’t really surprise me. Despite the common belief that Slytherin is the house full of the evil, bad guys, it isn’t really. All the bad witches and wizards might have come from there, but that doesn’t mean all the witches and wizards from there are bad. Slytherins know when to best look out for themselves, because they know no one else is going to do it for them. They are cunning and ambitious, not necessarily bad traits to have, but dangerous in the wrong person (like Voldemort).

This got me thinking… Is there any relationship behind me being a Libra (my astrological sign) and my being placed in Slytherin?

After a brief search on Google, apparently, there isn’t. Because everyone would class Libras as any of the other three houses, but not Slytherin. Libras are considered kindhearted, gentle and lovers of peace. We are just, diplomatic and balanced. On the negative side, we are detached and superficial.
The positive ones don’t sound very Slytherin, do they?

Well. Slytherin are ambitious, right? They want to get to the top? Being diplomatic is a fantastic trait to have to get to the top… Being able to hear both sides of an argument and judge which one is most likely to be right, and cause you less stress…
Also, being just? Justice is a two way street: I am prepared to face my punishment for doing something wrong. On the Slytherin side, if someone has wronged me, they have to face punishment,
Balanced… Well, we’re not all Voldemorts. He was wrong, there is good and evil, but the lines are blurred. I thinks that’s what both Libras and Slytherins do. They tread the line.

Slytherin Pride!

Shannon.

(P.S, I spent a night (a whole night, I didn’t sleep) watching The IT Crowd. 10/10 would watch again. Have watched again. Seriously, it’s like the Big Bang Theory but a million times funnier.)

Confidence boosters.

Are we… Are we back to regular updates??!?!

No. Sorry.

I’m just in bed, at home, with a horrific cough and can’t sleep.
I also missed school today because of said crappy cough. Yay.

I was gonna do a YouTube video with this but, you know, coughing my guts up here, so that probably isn’t the best idea.

As you’ll be aware if you’ve read my previous posts, I have next to no self confidence.
Funnily enough, I was talking to my nan about this at the weekend. She was saying how she had to do a big talk to her team at work and how she was fine doing all of the preparation, but not the actual talking bit. But went it came around to doing it she was fine.
She told me she wasn’t a confident person. To me, this didn’t make sense, because my nan is awesome, and one of the most confident, independent people I know, but then it hit me.

It’s easy to be confident around people you know love you (ie family and friends in my nan’s case.)
But brining that confidence into everyday life is hard.
So hard that I’ve had to find things that make me feel confident enough just to walk into town by myself.

Here is that list.

Just a side note… These are more for the “fake it till you make it” mantra.

1) High Heels

Ok, now, I know heels hurt your feet, but there is something about walking in them that just makes me feel so much better. It could be that you have to walk in them a certain way, so you don’t fall over. It could be the awesome noise they make. It could just be that they look super awesome. Either way, I feel loads better in heels.

2) Singing.

Just for the record, I don’t mean out loud singing. I am no where near confident enough for that yet.
To clarify, I mean picking a song with a fantastic beat and singing it inside your head. Listening to it works as well, but I am awful with headphones, so this works in a pinch. Because of previously mentioned fantastic beat, I start walking to the beat and it gives my steps purpose. Instead of trying to blend into the shadows, like normal.

3) Think murderous thoughts.

This one I found on Tumblr. The post was called “How to walk like a Queen,” I think. Anyway, it said to lift your head, shoulders back, head straight and think about murder. Don’t take my word for it, give it a try.

4) Funny stuff.</strong)

Remembering funny stuff your friends did, or something you read that made you laugh doesn't necessarily make you feel confident, but it will certainly stop you panicking when you are worried about what everyone else is thinking of you.

For example, I'm walking down the street by myself and, in my head, everyone thinks I'm weird, or strange, or a loser because she's alone, she must have no friends.
Telling myself "who cares what they think?" Hasn't worked. To be honest, that never works for me. I can't think of a good song to walk to because I'm freaking out, I'm wearing converse and murder is not on the agenda for today.
I always carry a notebook on me. And inside this notebook, are quotes.
Funny quotes from films, from books, random stuff my friends have said to me; "you're not beautiful, you're butanol!"
A lot of Oscar Wilde quotes too.

Just things to make me smile and take my mind off everyone glaring into my back.

I have no idea if his helped anyone, but I'm about to run out of battery, so that's all, folks.

I hope to post again soon, but we all know the chances of that happening.

Shannon.

I haven’t done this in a while but oh well

You know what I want??

I want to not care. Just, be able to not care about anything. Life would just be so much easier if I didn’t care.

If I didn’t care about my school work, I wouldn’t get stressed about it. I wouldn’t get stressed with the amount of homework I SHOULD be doing but not, because I’m so tired when I come home from school that all I want to do is sleep.

If I didn’t care I wouldn’t panic, or stress, or worry. And these are the three things I hate more than almost anything.
I hate worrying about music work because everyone else who does it is so much better than me at singing or their instrument and I’m just… Well, not even average.

I hate worrying about physics because I CANT MASTER GRAPHS I’VE BEEN DOING GRAPHS SINCE I WAS 10 WHY ARE THEY STILL SO HARD???

I hate worrying about the taxi every time I go to my TLP school. Every. Single. Time.

I’m not worrying about English yet, because I did this last year, so I’m ok at the moment.

But I hate worrying about every single school related thing and what others are doing and how others are acting and what I should be doing instead of just getting on with it why am I so unless why and I just a bundle of worry and panic and nerves every single time.

Shannon.

Reason I hate myself sometimes #1

It’s stupid and pointless and something I wish I didn’t have to deal with daily.
It’s something I’m not proud of, I’m try and keep locked away because I know, in the long run, this is gonna hurt me more than it’s gonna protect me.

It’s social anxiety.

I hate that I constantly think about what people’s opinions of me are, whether I’m making them happy by being myself.

I hate that I spend most of my life worrying if I’ve offended or upset someone by talking to them,not talking to them, making eye contact.

What I hate most of all, is how it makes me seem rude, cold and uncaring.

There was once a time in a shop where I live. It was quite a small shop, with very little room to get past, so everyone had to walk single file. I think I had tripped up or knocked something over when I came in, so I was really paranoid about making eye contact with anyone, and was consequentially looking at the ground.
I didn’t see a man in a wheelchair waiting to get past until I looked up and he was glaring at me. I immediately looked at the floor and just kept walking, because I can’t- if someone glares at me I revert to a six year old and get scared and upset and frustrated at myself, because boo, a sixteen year old girl should not be too afraid to say sorry to a man in a wheelchair who you accidentally stopped from getting past.
Anyway, I just kept walking, to get as far away from this situation as possible, and away from everyone’s stares and judgmental looks and my thought process was oh my god I am so sorry please don’t shout because I’ll start crying because I’m pathetic like that and I should not have left the house today please stop looking at me please please please-

My sister who was behind me at the time, stopped to let the man go past and he said thank you really loudly, making sure I could hear.

Never have I felt worse about myself.
Actually, that’s not strictly true… Remind me to sometime tell you about year 8 sports day.

I hate that this happens. I try hard to not come across as rude. I try to be polite and kind and nice to everyone, because everyone deserves to be treated with kindness – if you don’t know their backstory. Obviously, if you know someone is a dickhead, that’s different.
But whenever something like this happens, I seize up, like all manners and personality have gone out of the window; in that moment I was just a rude, ignorant teenager to him, wasn’t I?

Wel, Mr Wheelchair man from The Works, I am so very sorry. I promise you, it wasn’t rudeness, or spiteful ness that made me keep walking, it was my inability to speak under confrontational circumstances.

I feel a lot better for having wrote this.
I’m not sharing this one on Facebook, but I’m also not making it private.

Shazza.

‘Fake geek girl’ or misogyny?

Okay.

I’m going to bring up a subject here that I’ve tried really really hard to avoid, because it would just make me angry.
But guess what? I can no longer avoid it. Because, scouring the Internet for conventions to go to (hoping to go to one in September, by the way) I came across the ‘fake gamer girl’ scenario.
And it really gets me angry.

Why is it girls are asked every single little detail about a tv show, film or game? And then, when they forget a tiny detail, are pronounced as a ‘fake geek’ and shunned?

I’m in love with Doctor Who, but I haven’t seen every single episode that was ever made. This does not make me a ‘fake fan’. It means I haven’t seen every episode yet.

It’s another part of misogyny, isn’t it? Another way for men to feel superior to women.
But wait, hold up a minute… Fans of Nerd Culture are already looked down upon as ‘sad,’ and trust me, I’ve been called this many times because of my nerdyness. So, in a place where everyone should be supporting each other, how can women still be put down?

If a woman is pretty and cosplays, she’s “acting promiscuous for attention.”
If a woman is like me and cosplays, she’s “trying to fit in, to be wanted, for attention.”

NOT EVERYTHING A WOMAN DOES IS FOR A MAN’S ATTENTION.

Shall we try that again?
Not. Everything. A. Woman. Does. Is. For. Men’s. Attention.

Or, more accurate still…
Hardly anything a woman does is for the attention of a man.

Believe it or not, WOMEN ACTUALLY LIKE THINGS.
Women can like lots of different things.
They can like dresses and make up and shoes, and COD, and Zelda, and The Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars, and Firefly, and Doctor Who and conceivably anything.

It is not up to men to tell us who we are and what we need to do to be who we are.
It’s not up to men to tell us that we need to know this, this and this about Halo, or Black Ops, or Star Trek, or Marvel.
It’s not up to men to make us feel threatened for wanting to be a part of a geek community.
It’s not up to men to scare us into not trying that new game, or trying that film or tv show.

So, ladies, pick up that controller, or the remote, or comic book, and nerd out! Because we’re just as much a part of this community as the guys, and we don’t plan on leaving it.

Stay tuned next, for anger subsiding and quiet wondering, concerning how many people I’ve angered with this blog post.
Shannon.

Not sleepy…. Getting sleepy…

It’s late. Actually, it’s beyond late, it’s very late. I think I’m the only one awake in my house. Honestly, I shouldn’t be writing right now, I should be sleeping, or… No, sleeping pretty much covers what I should be doing.
I’ll tell you a few reasons why I can’t sleep. Maybe writing will help; it usually does, I’ve just been writing in my notebook more than here recently.

Reason 1
It’s too hot.
I know, I know, I live the south west of England, the rainiest part of a rainy country. I don’t care, I’m too hot. My uneducated guess is that I’ve been in bed too long (all day, pretty much) and my bed has absorbed lots of my body heat and is now emitting it all back to me in an evil fit of… Uh… Evil.

Reason 2

*Sigh* I stayed up too late reading a scary story…
I’ve had this book a good… Three or four months now, and that’s not even the book that’s been sitting on my shelf the longest unread. That’s a Dan Brown book.
Anyway, this book was The Secret Of Crickely Hall and it is not a book to be read at night. It is not a book to think about at night. Having said that, it is a phenomenally good book which I highly recommend you read. Just make sure it’s in board daylight with a good, hot cuppa beside you.

Anyway, I stayed up to finish reading it and it was worth it, the ending was much better than I expected, only now I have scared myself thinking about it. Well, that and thinking about all of the potential spiders that could be lurking in my bedroom…

Reason 3

After scaring myself with that fantastic book, I decided to watch some YouTube videos, to calm myself down a bit.
Now, if you’re like me and can get from one, relatively normal side of YouTube, to the other, infinitely more weird side of YouTube, you know that this is a terrible idea.
However, I found a channel by Emma Blackery. This isn’t part of the weird side of YouTube.
She makes lots of videos for teenagers, about life and giving advice and etc. (Side note, I found a tumblr post saying etc stands for ‘end thinking capacity’ and I think this is how it should be used in the future.)
I found them really useful, so thanks Emma!
On the other hand, I found them really useful, so now I’m just awake, thinking about my future. I say that, but in actual fact, I’m thinking about how little I actually care for my future at the moment and it’s scaring me more than the ghostly figure of Crickely Hall.

I feel more tired than I did earlier, so I hope this helped. There are 4/5 lessons I have to go to tomorrow, so practically a full day.
Technically I can say I’ve left school ,but have to go in for the lessons in which I still have exams, so I’m not saying I’ve left till they’re over.

Thanks and sorry if you read this!
Shannon.

Nuclear Planet (II) – By Lewis Wollington

Guys, I’m serious, read this! It’s so cool and I’m in it. It’s written by a friend and I’m in it and the storylines are really interesting and some are scary and did I mention that I’m in it?

The Paradox

Shannon looked around to see the man from earlier staring at them.
“Where were we?” Shannon asked.
“Getting off!” Lewis announced as they both leaped out of their seats and into the wilderness of London’s underground; South Kensington to be precise. Lewis briefly observed a sign pointing to the exit as they legged it through the tunnels, weaving in and out of tutting passengers. The man was close behind them, fast walking but still keeping up.

A siren echoed around the room. “Nuclear Planet failed. Nuclear Planet failed.” The interface kept announcing. The Crabatchi turned their feasting eyes from off Lana and James and onto their reactor.
“What’s happening?!” The female Crabatchi demanded staring at the scientist.
“Run!” The woman shouted, making a run for it herself. James and Lana took no chances; they were straight out that door. One of the male beasts started chasing after them.

After shoving…

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Update: New Years Resolution

My New Years resolution is going well: I’ve written something every night before bed!

On the nights where I’ve posted blog entries, I haven’t done anything else, because, believe it or not, I have started thinking about what I post on here.
But I’ve written… A poem, a Red vs Blue song parody which I may post either the lyrics here, or on my SoundCloud… I’ve done one fanfiction for Red vs Blue, am planning another, and am almost finished with my Marauders fanfic.
That will be up in the next week, I promise.

Then there’s a couple of journal-ish entries, where I’m just writing the thoughts as they pop up in my head.
It’s a new form of talking to myself and its actually really helpful!

(This doesn’t count as something I’m writing for my resolution, this is just an update on how it’s going).

Shannon.

Eden – By Lewis Wollington

Okay, I’m liking this Lana characters 😀
Guys, you should check this out, it’s so cool!!

The Paradox

(The following story introduces new team member Lana Jones)

“I think I heard someone.” James mentioned bringing the three of them to a stand still. The trio just stood there listening out for not-sure-what, not moving in case they made a sound.
“You sure?” Lewis asked, slightly confused.
“Open the door!” A shouting from the distance called out.
“Okay, now I definitely heard someone.” James smiled as Shannon ran over to open the door. All three of them peered in as they saw a girl running towards them. She was running down a long corridor made of murky, brown bricks with dim lighting. She was being chased; a group of humanoid figures that ran very awkwardly, like zombies. Lewis, James and Shannon all looked at each other, very confused as to what was happening. The zombies were catching up. They began shouting encouragement:
“Hurry!” Shannon desperately called out.
“Come On!”…

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